Fighting Through It
I’m so sore today. My arms are sore. My legs are sore, my entire midsection is one solid ache. I don’t want to do this today.
It was a chant in my head as soon as I rolled out of bed. The list of excuses kept going, like a road that never ends, they kept coming for me and the last thing I wanted was to get dressed, hit the mat, and sweat it out. It felt like I couldn’t out run my excuses. And thats what they were, because I wasn’t so tired that I couldn’t workout, I just didn’t want to because I was already sore.
Motivation on YouTube, I grabbed my headphones and began getting dressed. I knew if I took away the little steps in between, it’d be even less for me to whine about. I listened, and I stretched, shook my head like a dog trying to shake the water off, except mine was the laziness, the self degradation, the excuses, like if I shook myself hard enough they’d fall off of me. The more I listened, the quieter that bullshit got, so I grabbed my weights, my mat, and got ready.
There was a line that jumped out at me while I was getting ready.
You can be the victim of your life, or you can be the Master of it, the choice is yours. Motivation Playlist
And I don’t know when the hell I’ve ever wanted to be a victim. I am the Master of Myself, and I will not be Afraid. I will not be afraid of being sore, of pushing myself, being uncomfortable, of success, of challenge, or even failure. I will not quit.
Today’s schedule calls for Kickboxing Warrior Sets, and the only equipment is a resistance band. Once upon a time, I would scoff, but I know Sam and these bands, and I know it’s going to be hard.
The head game was hard today, but not enough to send me back to bed. I refused it. I’m sick of feeling bad, of hating my reflection, I’m sick to death of my excuses. Life is exhausting, I will always be tired, and that’s not going to change. As long as I train I will be sore, and if I’m serious about this, I better get comfortable with it. So let’s go.
I decided that I really wanted to feel it today. I’m already sore, and if I’m gonna be a brat about it, I know I have to make it hard, or I’ll feel like crap for whining about a simple workout. I leveled myself up to my heavy band, I’ve only ever used the light or medium for a full workout, and they’ve been feeling easy the last few times I’ve used them. We moved through the first round of drills, and then we got into core work with that heavy band… and you know, it wasn’t too bad. It hurt, but in like a I’m such a badass kind of way, because I didn’t stop for a single move with that heavy band. I made it through all the core moves, the next set of drills, all the shoulder and leg moves. I did the entire workout with the heavy band without stopping for more than a breath.
To think I almost didn’t do this workout because I was too whiny, tired, sore, whatever, is offensive, now that I’ve completed it. I can do hard things, I can do sweaty things, I can challenge myself and win. And that’s something valuable that I’m teaching myself every single time I hit the mat despite my attitude. That I can win, that I’m capable, and strong, and better than I think I am. I never had confidence built into me growing up, I was never shown that I can challenge myself, or that it’s worth it to try, it was always: “sit down, be quiet, listen to what your told and do it, don’t question other people, don’t speak until spoken to, and don’t step out of line.” Now I’m learning every single day how much every single one of those commands were just bullshit. I don’t have to sit down, I can stand tall. I don’t have to be quiet, I can be loud, I don’t have to listen or follow any arbitrary rules invented by someone trying to control my mind, my behavior. I will speak my gods damned mind, and I will paint outside of every single line that stands in my way if I choose to.
I am reprogramming myself to believe that I can do whatever the hell I put my mind to, that every morning that the sun hits my face is a blessing, an opportunity. Every drop of sweat on my brow, or hitting the mat is a prayer to myself, a commitment, dedication, that I am enough, and I am powerful. I love the way this is changing my perception of the world around me as well as myself, my thoughts, and the way I speak any words to anyone, including in my own head. I am more aware than ever of the power of challenge and what it can do when you just try, try again, try harder. It’s reshaping my entire perspective and my world.
All because I joined an online Gym.
I’m gonna get out and walk Yrsa in about an hour, once the Sun has had the chance to warm it up a bit outside. It’s only 27 degrees right now, and I don’t really wanna wander around the neighborhood in that. Later it will be around 45, but windy as hell, so I’ve got to keep my eye on the trees outside to see when would be the best time for our stroll.
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