1 Month Reflection

It’s been one month since I started my preliminary training for Valkyrie Squad. One month of waking up before the Sun has even cast the Grey of Dawn across the sky, of ditching my coffee addiction, of eating three meals a day, and drinking near a gallon of water every day. One Month of working out for 30-40 minutes, of mindful, intentional movement and breath, of learning how to recover from injury, how to target specific muscle groups, how to correct misalignment and bad form. A Month of dedication to change. A month of discipline.

I’ve hit milestones in the last 30 days. On more than one Saturday I woke up at 5am just, so I could write and workout and walk my dog before anyone else woke up for the day. I’ve spent the last month without a single sip of coffee, while still making it for my husband each morning. If you’ve known me at all in this lifetime, you know that I am rarely if ever without coffee, until now. I’ve written every single day about my goals, about my motivation, about my efforts, and how I feel. In the last month, I have found confidence where I thought the well was empty, I have found strength in a body that I was told was damaged beyond repair.

August changed me, down to my very foundations, I am changed. I no longer speak to myself with that self-doubt that had me parking myself firmly on the couch or in my bed for hours and days. I no longer reach for coffee as my comfort, and actively pursue feeding my body properly; healthy, sustaining meals that are delicious and fresh and give me energy. My clothes sit differently on my body, in small subtle ways that only I can notice. I stand with proud posture, eager to start the day and handle any of the obstacles that I may face.

Historically I have a very unhealthy relationship with the scale and with measuring myself. I will obsess, intensely, and deprive myself of meals, of foods and drinks I enjoy, and even fun activities, because I fall back on the ol’ Self-Worth Debate wagon. So I hid these things from myself all month long. Told myself that I would be able to feel the changes as they come and I didn’t need a scale to tell me anything.

I do however want an accurate before picture, since Valkyrie Squad kicks off in only 7 days! I hauled out the scale, buried under a random pile of heavy things, so I wouldn’t be able to just dig it out without exerting some effort. Then I got out the measuring tape and held it in my hands, because while the tape might not show a ton, I know that I can feel it. I know that I’ve lost something.

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After dragging out the scale and staring at it for a few minutes with my heart pounding in my chest and the anxiety ringing in my ears, I debated how badly I wanted to know. I debated if it would be worth potentially derailing my 4 weeks of work. The ringing became a roar inside my head and I had to spend some time breathing and telling myself that the scale, the measuring tape meant nothing. It would not detract from my progress. I’ve already MADE progress. I am worth the effort regardless of whatever nonsense the scale might show me. None of this slowed the roaring in my ears or the hammering of my heart in my chest, but I still stepped onto the scale.

I stared and stared at the numbers on the face, because they had to be a lie. I stepped off of it, and let the screen clear before I stepped on it again. Same numbers, but not the same numbers I started with at the end of July. Fifteen pounds. I lost fifteen pounds in a month, in 30 days. The sound I made next was somewhere between a choked sob and a laugh because I LOST 15 LBS IN A MONTH! I’m still in disbelief. I threw a dance party with my kids in the living room to celebrate, messaged my husband in loud caps about it and have spent the afternoon with loud outbursts of joy, random dances in the kitchen, and literally hugging myself in love, and excitement, and happiness.

At the end of July I weighed 229 lbs. It’s the end of August, and I’m standing at 214 lbs.

Progress is nothing without Consistency.